Whirlwind Weekend

I spent this past weekend at the Global Missions Health Conference in Louisville, KY and was once again blessed by experiencing God working in me. It was a bit of a whirlwind as I must have experienced every emotion in the book between Thursday morning and Sunday night. But it seems that what has been floating around in the back of my mind is being confirmed. Some people have a specific event/time/place that they hear God calling them to the mission field. For others it is a gradual process. I fall into the gradual category.

God has been working this idea into my heart for the past year, gently leading by his Holy Spirit. As you can tell from one of my other posts the Liberia trip was definitely a big step, a catalyst I guess you could say. Friday night I realized I had taken another step without even being aware of it. I was talking to sending organizations about their processes for long-term missionaries. Wait, when did I decide this was definitely what God was asking of me?! I didn’t. I just kept showing up, taking each step as He led. And this was the place and the conversations He led me into.

It shouldn’t have surprised me that within hours of those “exciting conversations” I was being attacked by the enemy. He immediately started throwing doubt, fear, and even loneliness at me, but I took some time at lunch Saturday to pour my heart out to God and receive His comfort and reassurance. He reminded me that He is my All in All, and my Abba. Sunday morning Satan tried again, as I woke up with that “what have I done?” feeling. But I immediately got in the Word and prayed, and I remained committed. So he decided to leave missions alone and move on, and he hit me below the belt! Self and relational insecurities that I thought I had already worked through and moved past. Bringing out the “old me” that I had hoped was buried for good. I had breakfast with my friend and left on her sweet words of encouragement. So I was feeling a little better and enjoying some praise music as I drove out of Louisville. Then he started again.

Most of the things Satan has used as strongholds in the past I have been able to cut completely out of my life. But you can’t completely change who you are and you can’t run from every relationship and be a hermit (though he tries to tempt me). I don’t want to hurt but I’m tired of living in fear. I turned off the music and for the next 2-3 hours I shed tears and had it out with the devil. And to be honest, a little bit with God.

God why do I have to be this way?
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made…”  (Psalm 139:14)

But God this is not how you made me, I’ve messed it up.
“Taste and see that I am good…”  (Psalm 34:8)

But God won't I ever change? Will I struggle with this forever?
“Be confident that I who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion...” (Philippians 1:6)

Do I believe His word to be true or do I not? I can’t believe it to be true and think the things that I was thinking. Just because not everything makes sense to me does it mean that He is not good? No. He has shown me too many times that He IS good.

My heart stilled and I was driving along mindlessly when out of nowhere I quietly started singing,
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My voice started to rise as I began singing the Todd Fields version,
It is well, it is well, God has won, Christ prevailed
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Then I put in the CD and as these words poured out of the speakers, love and joy flooded my heart.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend! Even so, it is well with my soul! 

HE. IS. FAITHFUL.

He was faithful to defeat the enemy and to restore me. It doesn't mean I don't still have work to do, but I can bathe in His love and grace every minute. And He was faithful to keep me from getting pulled over! Of course all of this was happening at the exact time the road goes downhill for 3 miles straight, with a 55 mph speed limit. Um, I wasn’t going 55.

God pursues us relentlessly. And some is not enough. He wants all of us. Every time I think I’ve surrendered all He shows me some little hope, dream or fear I am holding onto. Every time I think I’ve opened myself completely to Him He shows me He wants to go deeper. It’s not easy, and sometimes it hurts. But I am so thankful because if I am going to Africa I want to go holding His hand as tight as I can. I want to fall more in love with Jesus and be head over heels before anyone or anything else tries to compete with my affection.

I continue to pray every day that He will guide each step and close the door to anything aside from His perfect will. I pray that He will fill my heart with His desires. I do believe He has a specific plan for my life, but I don't believe He is going to write it across the sky for me. I don't believe I have to try to figure it all out. I pray for the faith of Abraham…God told him to leave his people and his land, so Abraham started walking even though he did not know where he was going. As I was writing this post I thought about and re-read my original blog post from July (but actually written in 09), titled "Faith." God has been teaching me about Abraham for a while now, I just didn't know it!

So anyway, the next step seems to be filling out an “interest form” to initiate more detailed discussions with the organizations that I talked to this weekend. I am really feeling at the moment that I will be going somewhere in Africa for 1+ years, and that I will not be going to do PT but will be in the health care realm. I am interested in community health education and evangelism, which is all about training and empowering Nationals. And my heart is definitely women and children, but I don’t know if that’s what He has chosen.

I may not know the details for a long time, and things may change along the way. He sometimes leads us in one direction then changes that direction, without us knowing the reason. So I will continue to surrender and trust. And I will keep everyone updated!

Why?

Everyone has been asking me how the trip was, and I have had such a hard time finding words to describe it. It just, was.They want to know what it was that makes me think I might want to do missions full time.

Did it blow you away? No, not really

Was it so rewarding? Um, a little

Was it fun? Well, I guess at times

If I’m honest it wasn’t necessarily exciting, rewarding, or loads of fun. Yes it is amazing to see God working through your team, but you often don't see the fruit of your work.

It was sad. It was humbling. It was challenging. 

But it was good. It was, right.

It's not that I want to go again because I loved it, though part of me did. It's not that I want to go again because I was so overwhelmed by the poverty that I just want to sell everything I have and give it to them, though part of me does. I want to go again because of the indescribable longing in my heart to serve Him.

And I want to love the people. I want them to feel important. I want them to experience joy. I want them to know that HE LOVES THEM. But I don’t want them to just know it I want them to experience it. I want them to be comforted, brought out of the darkness, set free from their burdens. I want them to know the compassion that our sweet Jesus has for them and the hurts they have experienced in life. I want them to be overwhelmed by the depth of His love and grace. I want them to be empowered.

But how?

There are so many. I am no longer able to ignore the urgency and need for the gospel and am overwhelmed by the expanse of the Nations who are still unreached. It seems too much. How will we ever reach them all?

Him. Only Him. By trusting that He has a way when there seems to be no way. By each member of the body of Christ doing the unique part he/she is called to do.

Some are called to go, some to stay and send. I believe I'm called to go:)

He is Faithful

It is hard to put into words what my experience in Liberia was like beyond the logistical details. I did not come back on the “mission trip high” that I have seen and heard in many other people. And I have to admit that was discouraging to me at first. I felt like my trip wasn’t going to measure up to everyone’s expectations; that I wouldn’t glorify Him enough. But the last couple days of the trip God opened my eyes to the work He was doing and as I process it all now I am slowly gaining a better understanding. He was indeed faithful to work in the lives of many, and definitely in me, during our time in Liberia. He is always faithful. This trip was for Him and through Him; the purpose - for His kingdom to be furthered and His name glorified among the people of Liberia. That’s what I wanted to focus on. But He had a purpose for me personally as well – work that He wanted to do in my heart and things He wanted me to learn about Him. I didn’t want to make it about me. I just wanted Him to give me joy about being used and excitement for the work He was doing in others. But apparently the trip wasn’t about me being pumped up it was about being humbled, and persevering.

The first two days of the trip were tough because I was uncomfortable and felt like I didn’t have a place. I wasn’t “any good” at the history taking or the physical therapy. That is hard for me. I didn’t know anyone on my team and I didn’t have a phone or computer to connect with anyone back home. I only had Him. I cried out to God to help me receive His love and His strength. I told Him I wanted to trust Him to be sufficient for me and asked Him to comfort me and encourage me. He was faithful. And then He gave me a little gift – a friend:) (Lori was on the dental team that was with us the first week) God sometimes asks us to step out on faith and be willing to walk the road with Him alone. And He blesses us when we do. Just like He showed me in the 2 weeks before the trip, He loves to use others in our lives to come along side us and be an example of His love. I was not at all expecting it but God truly blessed me through Lori. Her caring heart, fun-loving spirit, and love for Jesus made me smile every day:) He is so good.

So the week picked up and God continued to remind me that it’s not about what I can do it’s about what He can do through me when I fully surrender and have faith. He showed me “my verse” in four different instances that week! One day it was in the book I was reading while over there, another day it was in my daily devotional book, another day it was in the team devotional, and another day it came up in conversation with someone. He just keeps adding to my testimony that there is a God and He is personal:) He was teaching me that doing His will and allowing Him to work through me doesn’t mean that things will be easy or will go perfectly in my eyes; it doesn’t mean that things will always make sense. But I can trust that He is working and that His will is perfect because I know that He is good.

I did pick up on some of the PT concepts and was able to treat some patients, but as I said that was not the highlight of the trip for me. What I loved was the opportunity to learn about the people and about what life is like for them. The second best conversations I had were with the Liberian Physician Assistant students who were translating for us during the 2 weeks. One in particular that stuck in my heart was hearing Nancy talk about her burden for women and her desire to start a woman’s prayer group. From what I could gather something of that nature is virtually unheard of over there. I believe strongly in the power of that type of community and I felt a desire to support her in some way, though I didn’t know what that would look like. I started by giving her a little book I had with me called “Encouraging Words for Women” and told her that I would be praying for her. The day we left she told me she was praying that I would come back and be a speaker for her women’s group. I told her she could put that one up there with her prayer that I would come back and marry a single Liberian pastor! In other words, that would have to be a God thing because me and public speaking don’t mix. But oh how I would love to see Jesus infect those women and see them rise up.

The best conversations I had were with the patients who had a desire to hear and understand the gospel. There is nothing more precious and important in life yet I never treat it that way. I’m so thankful that God challenged me by placing me in a situation I was fearful of and faithfully showing Himself. He worked through our team to change the hearts of at least 250 people during the 2 weeks. He shared with me His heart and passion for people to hear and understand His word. And He showed me that it is important for people to understand their need for Jesus as the only way to God and eternity in Heaven. Forgiveness of our sins and salvation in Heaven is what he promises us and says can never be taken away once received. But he never promises life will be easy or filled with only good things. If people don't understand the need for His grace they may become discouraged and easily walk away from Him when life gets hard and the hope/joy/love they thought He would provide “seems” to fail. I know His love never fails; it is what carries me through each day. But it took a long time and several personal experiences for me to be able to believe that in the midst of trials. A true understanding of Him and His ways is something that has to be nurtured over time. So long story short (yeah right, that phrase is not in my vocabulary) I came back with a burden for the need for discipleship over there.

It was a great trip overall but by the end of the second week I was ready to come home. I was anxious to connect with my family and friends again. And I would be lying if I said the comforts of home weren’t a little appealing too:) The trip home was long and the first several days back I was tired and feeling pretty mellow. It was hard to talk about the experience because I was still processing it all. But those who sat and went through pictures with me saw the smile that came across my face as I talked about the people on my team and the people we ministered to. And as the days go by my mind is clearing and processing, and the desires of my heart are growing.

I don’t know what is next for me. I do believe more overseas mission work is in my future, but what exactly that looks like (short term or long term, in what country, through what organization, doing what) I can’t say. My heart’s desire right now is to be off going through missionary training courses, but I don’t want to dive into something unless God is leading me there. God tends to reveal His plan one small step at a time, and usually not as soon as I would like! So I am praying that my mind and heart will be open to whatever He has in store, even if it’s not exactly what I have in mind or desire. I’m praying that I will not only have patience but will enjoy the opportunity just to be and grow closer to Him every day. That is His ultimate will for my life. And I know that deeper intimacy with Him and a far greater knowledge of His word are needed to equip me. So as much as I want to be on a plane back to Africa in 2 or 3 months, I have a feeling you’ll be seeing me around for a while longer:)

“From him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever!” Romans 11:36

 Nancy and I                  Nuwah with her new Bible:)

Trip Overview

Where do I even begin? There is so much that I could share! I’m just going to start with logistics since that’s pretty easy.

The trip itself went well – no difficulties with travels, aside from having to sit still for such long periods of time, and no major health problems. God was so faithful to keep me from getting any type of motion sickness, which is pretty amazing considering the condition of the roads over there. One of the American missionaries living there says the answer to the question of what side of the road you drive on is “whatever side you can.” You haven’t seen pot holes until you’ve been to Liberia.

The people are a bit reserved but very polite and welcoming once you talk to them. Most have a high regard for Americans, and tend to consider any white person they see a missionary. I guess they realize their country is not exactly a tourist spot, so they are pretty much correct that a white person in Liberia is there to help. The kids get very excited about seeing us. We drove the same route 6 times a day for 2 weeks and they never ceased to come running, waving, and yelling “white man, white man, white man!” I couldn’t help but smile every time I saw their smiles:) I will post a video of that but beware it might make you sick (remember the condition of the roads?)

We ended up seeing over a twelve hundred patients during the course of the 2 weeks. Every day (M-Sa) we were working at the AFBM clinic in Gbarnga (pronounced Bonga), but 4 of the days we also sent a few team members out to a village to do mobile clinic. Two of the villages could only be reached by helicopter, but the one I went to was accessible by Land Rover.  Both in Gbarnga and in the village patients would walk for hours to come and be seen by a doctor. When you asked them how long they had been experiencing a certain pain or ailment, they would often say years. The healthcare system in America may not be perfect but we don’t stop to consider what we have.

I worked with the physical therapist Larry most days but also did history taking a few days. The PT was of course nothing like what I see at the hospital. The majority of what we saw was back and neck pain, which resulted from Sacroiliac dysfunction, Iliosacral dysfunction, or rotated vertebrae. It took me a few days to grasp all the dysfunctions and assessments (palpation of bones), and even by the end there were some things that I just couldn’t feel. Larry was very encouraging and had a lot of faith in me so I was grateful for him, but I think he is a little too confident! He desperately wants someone to fill his shoes since he is retiring, but he has been doing PT work on the mission field for 47 years so he has some big shoes to fill! I am definitely praying about it and am willing to do whatever God asks of me but right now I do not believe I am the one, for a few different reasons that I don’t have room to write about:)

The days that I did history taking are the days I felt like I came alive, even though it was challenging, and at times even discouraging. As a history taker you are the one who asks them questions and sits and listens to all of their complaints. (By the way every team member has a translator with them) Then you share about why you are there, talk with them about their beliefs, and share that God loves them so much He sent Jesus to die on the cross and offer them the salvation of eternity in Heaven. It was also important to me that I help them understand that it’s not only about Heaven but about a personal relationship. In John 10:10 Jesus says that he has come that we might have life and have it to the full. He offers us hope and joy and peace and the ability to live an abundant life while we are here on earth! I desperately wanted these war-torn people to understand and experience that.

Being over there definitely makes you realize just how privileged we are as Americans and how much we take for granted. Little things like running water, electricity, comfortable mattresses and food choices. Not to mention the opportunity. There is so much need and so much I wish I could do. I really enjoyed the country and the people and would love the opportunity to go back. Yet I would also like to see other places in Africa. So we will see. I will be posting another entry soon and that one will include more about what I learned, the ways I grew and more about my heart for the people. 

Pause the music on the side bar so you can hear their cute little voices:)

This is one of the better videos because an American was driving so he slowed down:) Still didn't get a  good shot of my favorite little boy though! (one in red underwear at the very end)

A Taste of Liberia

Well, the trip was of course great and I have much to share! Pictures to show, stories to tell, testimony to give of God’s faithfulness. I am so thankful for the experience and pray that I will be able to find the words to adequately describe it.  I will write about it all soon, but wanted to go ahead and share some of the pictures for those who have been waiting. If you click on each collage it will show you a larger version.

These are a few pictures of the landscape, of the place we stayed, and of some of the "ways of life."

These are a few pictures of the people, and of Larry and I at work. I especially love pictures of the kids:)

I love my team:)

It's go time!

I can't believe it is already here! My flight to Liberia leaves at 7:00 tonight. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. And in a hurry because I'm leaving for the airport in 20 minutes! So this will be an unedited post - totally against my nature.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to go on this trip because I know it will grow my faith in such a huge way, and hopefully change my life. Wednesday night it finally hit me where exactly this "plane trip" I have been preparing for is taking me and what exactly it is I am going to do. So much that is out of my comfort zone (not knowing anyone!) and so much that I feel totally unequipped for (manual PT!). God reminded me of the verse that I claimed for this trip...

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

That verse was really ease to be excited about back in August! It is a bit harder now that I am faced with the reality of it. But deep in my heart this is truly how I want to learn to live. Totally dependent on HIM. God has already shown me this week how much this verse rings true. I have not been able to eat anything but a handful of pretzels each day for the past 9 days and have lost 8 pounds. I should be on the verge of falling over right now, but I'm not. He gave me the strength to get through a whole week of working on my feet and running errands/packing in the evenings. And today I only feel like I missed maybe 1-2 meals. So while there are a lot of tough things about going on this trip, I have great faith that He will walk with me every step of the way and do amazing work.

Some of you wanted more details, so here is what I've been told...

We will arrive in Monrovia, Liberia tomorrow at 2:30pm Liberia time. Then the dreaded 4-5 hour van ride to Gbarnga (I tend to get car sick) which is where we will be staying the whole time we are in country. There is a missionary compound about 2 miles from the clinic where we will be treating most days. A few days we will head out into "the bush" to set up mobile clinics, but those will just be days trips.

The compound is safe but not exactly luxurious:) They say it's like camping out indoors, even to the point that we are taking air mattresses to on top of the cots. Hall baths with cold but running water (a fairly new addition), 8 bunk rooms, and a central sitting area. We will have electricity by generator for 2 hours in the evening and 2 hours in the morning. The good thing is the temps are supposed to be in the mid 70s at night so hopefully it won't be too hard to sleep.

Alright, my friend should be here to pick me up any minute so gotta go! There is a slight chance I will be able to post a blog once while I am gone, but more likely it will be when I get back on October 11th.

Surrender

Someone recently told me 18 months – 2 years is a common time frame heard when people tell of periods of intense spiritual growth or transformation. I’d say I can attest to that. I realized that the first day I will be treating patients in Liberia will be exactly 2 years from the day I wrote a letter to God that ended with “Send me, use me.” For the record, don’t write a letter to God unless you mean it:)

Don’t worry I don’t see God in the same light as Santa Claus. That was the first and only time I’ve ever written him a letter. I usually just mumble and ramble, then thank him for being the only one who understands and doesn’t complain when I do! But I wanted this to be a turning point, something I could look back at and remember.

I did mean every word I wrote that day. I was ready to fully surrender my life to God; I wanted to live for him and be willing to do anything or go anywhere, even though that scared the heck out of me! But I was still thinking with my old “legalistic mindset” of do, do, do. What I didn’t understand at the time was that God didn’t want just my life, he wanted my heart. I had no idea the mental and emotional battle that lay ahead of me. Surrendering my heart was a whole other story. Actually, if you look at me closely you’ll notice the scars on my forehead from where they removed the tattoo. Yep, I had to get the word PROCESS tattooed backwards across my forehead so that every time I looked in the mirror I would see it! Some days I wish it was still there;)

God has not used these past two years to build me up and strengthen me into a well-equipped, knowledgeable, super spiritual servant. He has used them to break me down, to strip me of all self-reliance so that I may be his weak but willing servant. There has been a lot of purging and pruning and healing going on and I have grown closer to Him because of it. But it continues to be a daily battle. There are things I still struggle with and perhaps will always struggle with. (Just ask my co-workers who see me in my most irritability-producing environment!) It is easy to feel defeated when I see these things come up again and again, to tell God I’m a hopeless cause and will never be “ready” to be used. But he has confirmed to me through this mission trip opportunity that he doesn’t use perfect people he uses willing people; people who are willing to surrender and trust him to be in control...to have faith he will come through. It's not about what I can do. During the time that I was working on the mission trip application God reminded me of something Paul wrote…

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

It is so humbling and encouraging to know that God loves me and wants to use me despite the fact that I continue to mess up every day, will never have it all figured out, and will always be far from perfect. He just wants me to be me, and trust him to be him. But I had to get to know him for who he really is and trust him with my heart in order to be able to truly trust him with my life. I had to get to know his heart in order to believe that he wants to bless me, not make me miserable. It doesn't mean that part of me is not scared to death of this mission trip! I definitely cherish the prayers of anyone willing to offer them up:) But it means that deep down I can be confident that he is going to carry me every step of the way and that he is going to do great work. At this risk of sounding like a crazy street preacher…to HIM be the glory!;)

Something to laugh about

So last night I received the coveted packet of information I have been anxiously awaiting. Do you think it would be bad if I sent it back?! I'm kidding of course...I am still very excited about the trip, but you can now add overwhelmed to the list of emotions:) The SIXTY page document had quite a bit of information and I haven't been able to focus enough yet to read all of it. But being me I did find something to laugh about.

"Uniform for women is long skirts or dresses. At least one outfit should be loose enough to ride on motorbike behind missionary lady for possible Sunday ministry."

This is my new idea for raising money. How much would you pay for a picture of me on a motorbike in my Sunday dress, hanging onto "missionary lady" for dear life??!

Africa!

Yep, I am going to Africa. Woohoo! Some of you know this has been a desire of my heart for a little over a year now, so you can share my excitement in seeing the opportunity unfold. I’m not going to lie though, I am a little anxious as well! This was all just solidified a week ago, I have not received any details or preparation information, and the team is from all over the US so there are no meetings or get-togethers beforehand. Oh and we leave in 8 weeks. Deep breaths!;)

What I know…I will be part of a medical mission team going to Liberia September 25 - October 10. We will be providing care at a clinic in the town of Gbarnga and in mobile clinics we set up in surrounding villages. There is apparently a pretty big need for physical therapy, but I do not know yet what some of the likely presentations will be. I imagine it will be quite different from what I'm used to seeing at my hospital.

This trip is not what I have been envisioning over the past year and it will be challenging in several regards, but I have no doubt it is something God has orchestrated and am confident he will provide me with the strength that I need. And hopefully a strong immune system! Anyone else bothered by the idea of bathing in stream water that could make you insanely ill if ingested?! I'm thinking I'm in for quite an adventure:)

More to come...

Faith

Something I wrote about a year ago after reading this quote. I have since continued to learn how true it is! It really is all about full surrender and taking one "blind" step after another.

“Face the future, but face it only with a brave and happy heart. Do not seek to see it. You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do this. Just know that all is well and that Faith, not seeing but believing, is what will bear you to safety over the stormy waters.”

After reading this I prayed, “Ok Lord, I am going to turn and head into the rest of my life not trying to guess what’s ahead of me. I am going to walk through each day following after you, even though I can’t see where I am going.” I was then reminded of Dialogue in the Dark at Atlantic Station. For those of you who have not been there, they set up several rooms to mimic things like a park, grocery store, kitchen, etc and you spend about an hour walking through all the rooms in the PITCH BLACK DARK. You cannot see your own hand in front of your face! If you tried to do it all on your own you would undoubtedly run into walls and trip over obstacles. The experience would be really frustrating and you might be tempted to give up and question why you were even there in the first place. But they don’t ask you to do it on your own- they give you instructions, provide you with a stick (I forgot what it’s called!), and most importantly they have a guide leading you. So you forge into the unknown territory one small step at a time, trusting your guide’s voice, and using the tools he gave you. You don't really worry about what is next or even what your final destination is, you just experience each room you're in and walk through the next door when he tells you. It was extremely unnerving at first (whose idea was this?!), but as I went through each room I began to relax and trust my ability to navigate the darkness by listening and using my tool. I began to enjoy the adventure of it. Eventually I was glad it was so dark, even though it was frustrating at times, because it really would have been pretty boring with the lights on.

That’s how I view life. God may choose to keep us in the dark a lot of the time and we may feel uncertain about his path for our life, but we must trust his leading and be willing to take just one step at a time. He asks us to live by faith, knowing that He can see what we can’t; to truly believe that his will is perfect. I sometimes think it's less about "discerning his will" and more about surrendering and allowing his Holy Spirit to lead, trusting him in you and believing you will wind up where he wants you. If you exercise your faith he will prove himself faithful time and time again, and that will excite you. Life without faith is boring!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6