Whirlwind Weekend

I spent this past weekend at the Global Missions Health Conference in Louisville, KY and was once again blessed by experiencing God working in me. It was a bit of a whirlwind as I must have experienced every emotion in the book between Thursday morning and Sunday night. But it seems that what has been floating around in the back of my mind is being confirmed. Some people have a specific event/time/place that they hear God calling them to the mission field. For others it is a gradual process. I fall into the gradual category.

God has been working this idea into my heart for the past year, gently leading by his Holy Spirit. As you can tell from one of my other posts the Liberia trip was definitely a big step, a catalyst I guess you could say. Friday night I realized I had taken another step without even being aware of it. I was talking to sending organizations about their processes for long-term missionaries. Wait, when did I decide this was definitely what God was asking of me?! I didn’t. I just kept showing up, taking each step as He led. And this was the place and the conversations He led me into.

It shouldn’t have surprised me that within hours of those “exciting conversations” I was being attacked by the enemy. He immediately started throwing doubt, fear, and even loneliness at me, but I took some time at lunch Saturday to pour my heart out to God and receive His comfort and reassurance. He reminded me that He is my All in All, and my Abba. Sunday morning Satan tried again, as I woke up with that “what have I done?” feeling. But I immediately got in the Word and prayed, and I remained committed. So he decided to leave missions alone and move on, and he hit me below the belt! Self and relational insecurities that I thought I had already worked through and moved past. Bringing out the “old me” that I had hoped was buried for good. I had breakfast with my friend and left on her sweet words of encouragement. So I was feeling a little better and enjoying some praise music as I drove out of Louisville. Then he started again.

Most of the things Satan has used as strongholds in the past I have been able to cut completely out of my life. But you can’t completely change who you are and you can’t run from every relationship and be a hermit (though he tries to tempt me). I don’t want to hurt but I’m tired of living in fear. I turned off the music and for the next 2-3 hours I shed tears and had it out with the devil. And to be honest, a little bit with God.

God why do I have to be this way?
“You are fearfully and wonderfully made…”  (Psalm 139:14)

But God this is not how you made me, I’ve messed it up.
“Taste and see that I am good…”  (Psalm 34:8)

But God won't I ever change? Will I struggle with this forever?
“Be confident that I who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion...” (Philippians 1:6)

Do I believe His word to be true or do I not? I can’t believe it to be true and think the things that I was thinking. Just because not everything makes sense to me does it mean that He is not good? No. He has shown me too many times that He IS good.

My heart stilled and I was driving along mindlessly when out of nowhere I quietly started singing,
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My voice started to rise as I began singing the Todd Fields version,
It is well, it is well, God has won, Christ prevailed
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Then I put in the CD and as these words poured out of the speakers, love and joy flooded my heart.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend! Even so, it is well with my soul! 

HE. IS. FAITHFUL.

He was faithful to defeat the enemy and to restore me. It doesn't mean I don't still have work to do, but I can bathe in His love and grace every minute. And He was faithful to keep me from getting pulled over! Of course all of this was happening at the exact time the road goes downhill for 3 miles straight, with a 55 mph speed limit. Um, I wasn’t going 55.

God pursues us relentlessly. And some is not enough. He wants all of us. Every time I think I’ve surrendered all He shows me some little hope, dream or fear I am holding onto. Every time I think I’ve opened myself completely to Him He shows me He wants to go deeper. It’s not easy, and sometimes it hurts. But I am so thankful because if I am going to Africa I want to go holding His hand as tight as I can. I want to fall more in love with Jesus and be head over heels before anyone or anything else tries to compete with my affection.

I continue to pray every day that He will guide each step and close the door to anything aside from His perfect will. I pray that He will fill my heart with His desires. I do believe He has a specific plan for my life, but I don't believe He is going to write it across the sky for me. I don't believe I have to try to figure it all out. I pray for the faith of Abraham…God told him to leave his people and his land, so Abraham started walking even though he did not know where he was going. As I was writing this post I thought about and re-read my original blog post from July (but actually written in 09), titled "Faith." God has been teaching me about Abraham for a while now, I just didn't know it!

So anyway, the next step seems to be filling out an “interest form” to initiate more detailed discussions with the organizations that I talked to this weekend. I am really feeling at the moment that I will be going somewhere in Africa for 1+ years, and that I will not be going to do PT but will be in the health care realm. I am interested in community health education and evangelism, which is all about training and empowering Nationals. And my heart is definitely women and children, but I don’t know if that’s what He has chosen.

I may not know the details for a long time, and things may change along the way. He sometimes leads us in one direction then changes that direction, without us knowing the reason. So I will continue to surrender and trust. And I will keep everyone updated!