Surrender

Someone recently told me 18 months – 2 years is a common time frame heard when people tell of periods of intense spiritual growth or transformation. I’d say I can attest to that. I realized that the first day I will be treating patients in Liberia will be exactly 2 years from the day I wrote a letter to God that ended with “Send me, use me.” For the record, don’t write a letter to God unless you mean it:)

Don’t worry I don’t see God in the same light as Santa Claus. That was the first and only time I’ve ever written him a letter. I usually just mumble and ramble, then thank him for being the only one who understands and doesn’t complain when I do! But I wanted this to be a turning point, something I could look back at and remember.

I did mean every word I wrote that day. I was ready to fully surrender my life to God; I wanted to live for him and be willing to do anything or go anywhere, even though that scared the heck out of me! But I was still thinking with my old “legalistic mindset” of do, do, do. What I didn’t understand at the time was that God didn’t want just my life, he wanted my heart. I had no idea the mental and emotional battle that lay ahead of me. Surrendering my heart was a whole other story. Actually, if you look at me closely you’ll notice the scars on my forehead from where they removed the tattoo. Yep, I had to get the word PROCESS tattooed backwards across my forehead so that every time I looked in the mirror I would see it! Some days I wish it was still there;)

God has not used these past two years to build me up and strengthen me into a well-equipped, knowledgeable, super spiritual servant. He has used them to break me down, to strip me of all self-reliance so that I may be his weak but willing servant. There has been a lot of purging and pruning and healing going on and I have grown closer to Him because of it. But it continues to be a daily battle. There are things I still struggle with and perhaps will always struggle with. (Just ask my co-workers who see me in my most irritability-producing environment!) It is easy to feel defeated when I see these things come up again and again, to tell God I’m a hopeless cause and will never be “ready” to be used. But he has confirmed to me through this mission trip opportunity that he doesn’t use perfect people he uses willing people; people who are willing to surrender and trust him to be in control...to have faith he will come through. It's not about what I can do. During the time that I was working on the mission trip application God reminded me of something Paul wrote…

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

It is so humbling and encouraging to know that God loves me and wants to use me despite the fact that I continue to mess up every day, will never have it all figured out, and will always be far from perfect. He just wants me to be me, and trust him to be him. But I had to get to know him for who he really is and trust him with my heart in order to be able to truly trust him with my life. I had to get to know his heart in order to believe that he wants to bless me, not make me miserable. It doesn't mean that part of me is not scared to death of this mission trip! I definitely cherish the prayers of anyone willing to offer them up:) But it means that deep down I can be confident that he is going to carry me every step of the way and that he is going to do great work. At this risk of sounding like a crazy street preacher…to HIM be the glory!;)

Something to laugh about

So last night I received the coveted packet of information I have been anxiously awaiting. Do you think it would be bad if I sent it back?! I'm kidding of course...I am still very excited about the trip, but you can now add overwhelmed to the list of emotions:) The SIXTY page document had quite a bit of information and I haven't been able to focus enough yet to read all of it. But being me I did find something to laugh about.

"Uniform for women is long skirts or dresses. At least one outfit should be loose enough to ride on motorbike behind missionary lady for possible Sunday ministry."

This is my new idea for raising money. How much would you pay for a picture of me on a motorbike in my Sunday dress, hanging onto "missionary lady" for dear life??!

Africa!

Yep, I am going to Africa. Woohoo! Some of you know this has been a desire of my heart for a little over a year now, so you can share my excitement in seeing the opportunity unfold. I’m not going to lie though, I am a little anxious as well! This was all just solidified a week ago, I have not received any details or preparation information, and the team is from all over the US so there are no meetings or get-togethers beforehand. Oh and we leave in 8 weeks. Deep breaths!;)

What I know…I will be part of a medical mission team going to Liberia September 25 - October 10. We will be providing care at a clinic in the town of Gbarnga and in mobile clinics we set up in surrounding villages. There is apparently a pretty big need for physical therapy, but I do not know yet what some of the likely presentations will be. I imagine it will be quite different from what I'm used to seeing at my hospital.

This trip is not what I have been envisioning over the past year and it will be challenging in several regards, but I have no doubt it is something God has orchestrated and am confident he will provide me with the strength that I need. And hopefully a strong immune system! Anyone else bothered by the idea of bathing in stream water that could make you insanely ill if ingested?! I'm thinking I'm in for quite an adventure:)

More to come...

Faith

Something I wrote about a year ago after reading this quote. I have since continued to learn how true it is! It really is all about full surrender and taking one "blind" step after another.

“Face the future, but face it only with a brave and happy heart. Do not seek to see it. You are robbing Faith of her sublime sweetness if you do this. Just know that all is well and that Faith, not seeing but believing, is what will bear you to safety over the stormy waters.”

After reading this I prayed, “Ok Lord, I am going to turn and head into the rest of my life not trying to guess what’s ahead of me. I am going to walk through each day following after you, even though I can’t see where I am going.” I was then reminded of Dialogue in the Dark at Atlantic Station. For those of you who have not been there, they set up several rooms to mimic things like a park, grocery store, kitchen, etc and you spend about an hour walking through all the rooms in the PITCH BLACK DARK. You cannot see your own hand in front of your face! If you tried to do it all on your own you would undoubtedly run into walls and trip over obstacles. The experience would be really frustrating and you might be tempted to give up and question why you were even there in the first place. But they don’t ask you to do it on your own- they give you instructions, provide you with a stick (I forgot what it’s called!), and most importantly they have a guide leading you. So you forge into the unknown territory one small step at a time, trusting your guide’s voice, and using the tools he gave you. You don't really worry about what is next or even what your final destination is, you just experience each room you're in and walk through the next door when he tells you. It was extremely unnerving at first (whose idea was this?!), but as I went through each room I began to relax and trust my ability to navigate the darkness by listening and using my tool. I began to enjoy the adventure of it. Eventually I was glad it was so dark, even though it was frustrating at times, because it really would have been pretty boring with the lights on.

That’s how I view life. God may choose to keep us in the dark a lot of the time and we may feel uncertain about his path for our life, but we must trust his leading and be willing to take just one step at a time. He asks us to live by faith, knowing that He can see what we can’t; to truly believe that his will is perfect. I sometimes think it's less about "discerning his will" and more about surrendering and allowing his Holy Spirit to lead, trusting him in you and believing you will wind up where he wants you. If you exercise your faith he will prove himself faithful time and time again, and that will excite you. Life without faith is boring!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6