Surrender

Someone recently told me 18 months – 2 years is a common time frame heard when people tell of periods of intense spiritual growth or transformation. I’d say I can attest to that. I realized that the first day I will be treating patients in Liberia will be exactly 2 years from the day I wrote a letter to God that ended with “Send me, use me.” For the record, don’t write a letter to God unless you mean it:)

Don’t worry I don’t see God in the same light as Santa Claus. That was the first and only time I’ve ever written him a letter. I usually just mumble and ramble, then thank him for being the only one who understands and doesn’t complain when I do! But I wanted this to be a turning point, something I could look back at and remember.

I did mean every word I wrote that day. I was ready to fully surrender my life to God; I wanted to live for him and be willing to do anything or go anywhere, even though that scared the heck out of me! But I was still thinking with my old “legalistic mindset” of do, do, do. What I didn’t understand at the time was that God didn’t want just my life, he wanted my heart. I had no idea the mental and emotional battle that lay ahead of me. Surrendering my heart was a whole other story. Actually, if you look at me closely you’ll notice the scars on my forehead from where they removed the tattoo. Yep, I had to get the word PROCESS tattooed backwards across my forehead so that every time I looked in the mirror I would see it! Some days I wish it was still there;)

God has not used these past two years to build me up and strengthen me into a well-equipped, knowledgeable, super spiritual servant. He has used them to break me down, to strip me of all self-reliance so that I may be his weak but willing servant. There has been a lot of purging and pruning and healing going on and I have grown closer to Him because of it. But it continues to be a daily battle. There are things I still struggle with and perhaps will always struggle with. (Just ask my co-workers who see me in my most irritability-producing environment!) It is easy to feel defeated when I see these things come up again and again, to tell God I’m a hopeless cause and will never be “ready” to be used. But he has confirmed to me through this mission trip opportunity that he doesn’t use perfect people he uses willing people; people who are willing to surrender and trust him to be in control...to have faith he will come through. It's not about what I can do. During the time that I was working on the mission trip application God reminded me of something Paul wrote…

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

It is so humbling and encouraging to know that God loves me and wants to use me despite the fact that I continue to mess up every day, will never have it all figured out, and will always be far from perfect. He just wants me to be me, and trust him to be him. But I had to get to know him for who he really is and trust him with my heart in order to be able to truly trust him with my life. I had to get to know his heart in order to believe that he wants to bless me, not make me miserable. It doesn't mean that part of me is not scared to death of this mission trip! I definitely cherish the prayers of anyone willing to offer them up:) But it means that deep down I can be confident that he is going to carry me every step of the way and that he is going to do great work. At this risk of sounding like a crazy street preacher…to HIM be the glory!;)